It's Not Fair
by ladysnape575
Summary: Usagi's thoughts in the weeks after Mamoru has left for America, wondering why he hasn't called her and why she is still waiting for him.


It's Not Fair

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><p>Usagi stared blankly ahead, not hearing a word the teacher said has he droned on about English particles. Now, usually this would be nothing new for the blonde, but rather then thinking about what was in her lunch, or what she would be doing after school, her mind and heart were quite preoccupied with another thought.<p>

It was not fair.

Mamoru had gone to America. She was sad at that, of course, but he was studying and it was his dream. Alright, good, fine. But it had been weeks. Weeks with no phone call. No letter. Nothing.

She could understand if he was busy. He was a good student and did his homework, went to all his lectures and labs. She understood wholly and did not blame him. But did he not have two minutes to pick up the phone? What was wrong?

If any of her friends were dating a guy who didn't even call them for weeks, Usagi would have told her that she deserves a man who would be there for her and make her happy. That it doesn't take but a minute to pick up the phone. That no girl deserves to be tied to a man who makes her cry.

So why couldn't she take her own advice?

It wasn't fair, that while he was off in America having all sorts of experiences and adventures, she was stuck here in a classroom. It wasn't fair that while his mind was filed with studies, new friends, new sights, all she could think about was him him him. She couldn't think of anything else no matter how hard she tried. It just wasn't fair that he could go off and do whatever and she was bound to only think of him.

Bound. That was it. Usagi looked down at her ring finger, at the beautiful ring Mamoru had given her right before he left. It was not a ring, it was a collar, and he held the leash. Maybe, she thought, if she took it off she would be free. She never had before, not even while bathing. Maybe it would cure the ache in her heart if she just yanked it off, she would be free. Usagi gently took the ring by both sides and started to pull...but she let go before even getting it over the first joint. No, she couldn't. She couldn't remove the collar.

Usagi was vaguely aware of students moving, of Minako standing beside her and jokingly telling her to snap out of her daydreaming. That's how things were now, just vague moments that seemed to pass by.

Her friends bid her goodbye, as they all had their own respective clubs to go to. Usagi had signed up for a manga drawing club, but couldn't bring herself to go now. Instead, she started on the walk home, just another moment that would not stand out to her, a moment she could have been spending enjoying the sun and flowers but instead spent moping.

That's all she did. Mope. Sit in class and think of him. Go home, flip through her homework and make some sort of attempt, because Mamoru would want her to. Eat dinner. Watch a program she used to care about. Go up to her room and not sleep for hours because of all of the negative thoughts swimming in her head. Wait for Luna to leave the room, and let her tears slip out. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

Usagi mumbled an "I'm home," as she took her shoes off and went to her room. Luna didn't seem to be there. Usagi threw herself on the bed and let those thoughts consume her, as they did. No point in stopping them.

Without Mamoru, she did not feel beautiful and special anymore. She became aware of all of her flaws, every little bit of fat on her body, every blemish on her face, how annoying her voice could sound sometimes. She was lazy. She ate too much. She was clumsy. She was unladylike. Who could ever love someone like her? A tear slipped down her face as she accepted these negatives. No wonder Mamoru didn't call. He was probably just distancing himself as much as he could. She would probably just hold him back.

Maybe he found someone else. There was, Usagi remembered, a girl from America attending college with Mamoru. She was studying abroad, originally from the same university Mamoru now attended. She had gone back there for the new school year. Usagi was sure they met up. This girl was beautiful and funny – or so she was told. Usagi had never met her. But Mamoru talked about her often. Even took lots of pictures of her at a party they went to. Mamoru only ever took one or two pictures of Usagi. Apparently they talked often and hung out a lot.

Usagi had confronted Mamoru about this once, trying her hardest not to appear jealous, while still quite concerned. The girl clearly liked him, after all. Mamoru said they were just close friends. He said maybe he did feel a bit of attraction for her, but that's all it was. Usagi told him how obviously this girl loved him, but all he said was that since the girl never said anything to him about it, he didn't want to address that.

Okay.

In the past, when Mamoru didn't call her for a day or so, Usagi often wondered if they were together. She wondered if she went to the bookstore if she would see them together in an aisle, the girl would grab Mamoru's hand, stand on her toes and kiss him on the cheek.

These were not good thoughts to have. If something happened, he would tell her, right? This was Mamoru, her Mamoru. Hers. All hers.

Usagi sighed and wiped the tears away. How pointless it was to have so much dislike and anger towards someone she had never met.

But...it wasn't fair! Even if there was no "other girl," even if nothing was wrong...didn't he know what this was doing to her? This was killing her from the inside out. She felt, even surrounded by her closest friends, so alone! She didn't even want to go out with the girls anymore, what was the point? She was just going to bring them all down anyways. So alone. So...alone. Alone.

Usagi rolled over, pulled one of her bunny plushies towards her chest and hugged tight, burying her face in it. Often she thought to herself, _This is killing me. I can't take this anymore. I can't do it. I should just give up on him._ She shouldn't have to wait weeks for some guy to call her! And it was not healthy to be crying night after night. She knew her family and friends had noticed something was wrong. Usagi could be strong and tell herself she didn't need a man to be happy. She wasn't going to sit around and wait like master's faithful dog.

This was not like her, and it had to stop. Usagi sat up, wiped her face, and took a deep breath. She told herself she was very attractive, and would find the right person as he came along. That she deserved happiness just like everyone else. She pulled the curtains in her room back, letting the sun stream in. It was beautiful, this world was beautiful. No reason to waster her time crying over a guy who stopped talking to her weeks ago. She would start doing the things she liked again, and enjoy them. She wouldn't worry her friends anymore, would clear her mind of all thoughts of Mamoru so she could concentrate on happy things. Yes, this was the right thing to do, her heart felt lighter already.

But.

Then again.

Usagi sat back down on the bed. Maybe she didn't have to completely forget Mamoru. Maybe she wouldn't wait for him, but she wouldn't give up on him, either. So that if he did decide to pick up the phone, to make her smile, to make her forget all the tears, it would be a pleasant surprise. Maybe she would still wait for him, but only somewhat. Keep her options available, but keep him in the back of her mind.

But what if...what if someone saw her flirting with another man, and they called him and told him (for clearly, everyone else in the world _must_ have been able to contact him, it was only her she couldn't reach)? What if he thought she wasn't interested anymore? Found someone prettier? What if someone told him about how much she was crying and moping after him? He would think he wasn't mature enough. No guy wants to date someone who cries all the time. No one would want to date a clingy girl like her who can't live unless he calls her three times a day.

Who was she kidding?

Usagi fell over again, bringing the plush toy close once more. She couldn't get him out of her mind. She couldn't ever settle for anyone else. It had to be him. It had to be this guy who was making her feel so insecure and broken. It did. If he ever turned her down, ever fell for someone else or fell out of love with Usagi...she would die. Really. If her heart would not stop beating, she would lock herself in her room and would not eat. How long would that take before she would die?

There were tears again. Familiar tears. It was all an endless loop. How long before it was over?

Usagi sat up slowly and sighed. She might as well start her homework. It's what Mamoru would have wanted her to do.

Everything she did, always, was for him.

It's not fair.


End file.
